It’s odd writing this post when it’s been so long since I’ve updated this blog. I could be writing about the fact I am 4 months away from getting married or that again I am in a different job which has been another step forward in being allowed to be who I was created to be in my work place. Instead I will talk about how since having being effected first hand by someone who was addicted to watching porn and ringing sex lines I have never been the same. Although much of the damage done from being in such close proximity to such an addiction (so much of the effect of porn is felt by the individual who is addicted and I wouldn’t want anyone to feel I wasn’t recognising this or being uncompassionate towards this, especially if you happen to be reading this and you yourself our addicted or struggling with it) from it has been healed, I don’t expect I will ever be the same in my view point. I am so thankful to my future husband for his part in that healing, his kindness and gentle love have done so much to restore my trust in relationship and shown me what love really looks like (I won’t be offended if you want to wretch).
It has taken much of the time of recovery to realise how deep the damage was. Over time I could see how my self-worth, self-esteem and identity were badly effected. It also opened my eyes to how simply and easily addiction can begin. It has left me with a real sensitivity to sexualisation, which is so common in our culture, whether it’s to sexy underwear brands producing teen ranges or to the number of pointless sex scenes and sexual nudity in films. And this sensitivity reaches so much further than just porn directly. My sensitivity is with much of popular culture sexiness and how can it not when I have been effected by it’s more extreme side effects.
I was recently struck by how different my feelings are towards normal sexualisation of culture is when a number of friends said that they were going to do pole dancing for fitness but without the intention of performing. For me personally I can’t in my mind separate pole dancing for fitness and pole dancing, while I understand others can, and pole dancing from porn as both offer a visual sexual interaction through performance. But the question that I am left asking myself is do I see to much connectedness in these things or actually is it a good thing? My issue is not with sex, I look forward to it but the normal-ness of sexualisation whether it’s products we can buy or our bodies, male and female, it can’t be escaped and it’s so public. Has it really not gone too far when young girls feel the need to be perceived as sexy? Is it really not a conversation that can be had without it being wrongly assumed I am a prude or just hate sex?