bad dissatisfaction / good dissatisfaction

Oddly I find myself writing this post when I actually don’t feel so chirpy and happy…yet maybe this really is the time when I need to write it. To be reminded even on a not so great day that God has been working Himself more deeply into the ‘tapestry’ of my life. Since last time I wrote a post many things have greatly changed. I guess what you could say that greatest change, the most sudden change…[the other changes have kind of snuck up on me]…has been moving jobs. I have now moved from the nightshelter and moved into the floating support team, of the same organisation, as the Workshops Supervisor. The workshops happen in the day centre so currently this is where I spend the vast majority of my time. I have these fantastic moments of realisation where I wonder how I even got here. I am getting to be creative. I’m getting to bring new ideas into being and I get to bring my ‘heart’ and vision into the role. What excites me is the opporuntity my new role gives me to encourage and facilate opportunites for people to take hold of their lives again alongside the other support workers and also through creativity help them to realise more fully who they were created to be. I can very much see presently I am in a ‘work’ place that allows me to be what I AM made me to be and also how it complements and opens up opportunity for the dreams that I hope to see come into being in the future.

Part of the joy of being in this new role, I am sad to say, is no longer being at the night shelter. I say sadly, as looking back I struggle to think of good times there. I struggle to feel like I had any positive impact on clients lives yet I can see how I have developed professionally and my current role is massively benefited from my previous experience there. By the time I left I was pretty well drained out, there was nothing left to give. I was left feeling battered and bruised and as I settle into my new role this is feeling more and more like a distant memory…like a pain that is beginning to dull, it still hurts but it’s not so sharp anymore. I am beginning to feel creative again, I’m making things, I’m keep my room tidy…[massive deal…ask my Mam!], the dishes get done, I am rebuilding friendships after months of being the absent party due to many late and sleep shifts every Thursday and Friday night. It’s exciting but the pain still has to be dealt with, my drained heart still needs to be refreshed and refilled…and unfortunately it’s never as quick as you want it to be.

Something that my time in the night shelter did mean which I ‘ve almost touched on above is my absence due to my  previous ‘unsociable’ hours and there was nothing I could do about it. And as lonely and difficult as it was at times at church which is where I know the people I know in Watford from, I think it pushed me into realising how miserable the edge is. It’s not really a feeling that has completely gone and I came to thinking today that I don’t want it to because if it does will I still be drawing people in the church family or would I get to comfortable? I’m pretty sure I know what the answer would be hence I don’t want the feeling to go. At work on the toilet there is a prayer…

May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people. so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done.

It’s the Francisan prayer of discomfort. And that’s it really truly how I want to live life. So I think my dissatisfaction is two fold, in one way it’s the answer to this prayer. It’s a dissatisfaction that helps me to be the person I want to be. The person who doesn’t see people on the edge and leave them there, the person who helps people to feel like part of the family so this disease of loneliness can’t get such a hold on our church!

But in another it’s a bit of me wanting it all to be about me…I want MY lovely, fun and…the most dangerous bit…easy life…this is the dissatisfaction that I don’t want because this isn’t what I really want life to be like. I want a life marked by I AM’s story not mine! Yes life with I AM is fun and exciting and enjoyable but it’s an adventure and adventures aren’t easy. Easy is a desire that takes me away from the adventure I’ve been called to and not towards.

And also I seem to have found myself a wonderfully handsome best friend who biased as I may be is wonderful, and i can’t help being excited by him…ta much God. [I promise that is the last of it and I won’t be gross and say anything else…ha]

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1 comment
  1. Janette Hall said:

    Just read this again and see how much has changed. Love you, precious girl. See you soon. Xxmum

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