Since coming to India I have changed. That change is to have become more ‘me’ than I was ‘me’ before. I have found more of what it is to be Kat, fearfully and wonderfully made. And surprisingly to me, I really quiet like her. This is not to say that I don’t easily find myself doing lots of not so Kat ‘Kat’ things…the gap between the Kat I am and the Kat God has created me to be is where the tension lies. When I see myself being less than I’ve been created to be…which is pretty unattractive…I’ve learnt not to start self-hating but instead to look to God to remind me of who I am and how he has created me to be. In doing this I can keep enjoying being me even if sometimes I’m pretty obnoxious without space for destructive thinking.
An important part of this change has been seeking to be who God has created me to be, instead of looking outwardly to search for who I’d like to be. It has not been a quick process. I have needed to battle the self-destructive ideas I’ve believed about myself to begin to see something precious within myself. I have also had to face the habitual patterns of behaviour that are a result of the false ideas which seem to be the bit that often get over looked as they can seem unrelated…I know I have this precious self within me that I have to have the courage to dare to be. Having found the courage and surprising enjoyment in doing so why is it that I can still so easily fall into mentally pushing myself so hard that I feel crippled by self-imposed pressure. Cause I’ve pulled out the weed that I could see but I have to pull out the roots too so the weeds can’t grow again. I’m pretty sure this process of root pulling will continue through out my life but i think the hardest bit was daring to look at the weeds. It’s easier to believe your worthless and crap than to face the hard and often exhausting battle of seeing yourself as precious.
Realising that there are still ‘leftovers’ from who I have been within who I am has come about by wondering why I haven’t been enjoying parts of my adventure recently. The problem seemed to be that with all this pressure I was putting on myself I forgot to just enjoy it. God hasn’t given me what I could have only dreamed of before for it to be a burden but instead to glorify him. So to fully glorify Him I need to keep remembering to enjoy each moment and that I’m not on this adventure because i earnt it but because of grace…It’s in spite of me not because of me that God is glorified. If it’s not about me then i need to let go of this pressure for it has no right to be here…let the fun commence!!